Remembering the Dark Ages

I don’t like to think that I am suffering from depression. That’s too big and complicated a word to describe this. Not to mention it’s disrespectful to people who actually experience it. I just tell myself I’m sad for no apparent reason. And not having a reason to be sad and being sad are two different things. Maybe it’s normal for people to feel this way and everyone goes through the cycle. I’ve thought of all possible suspects and I’ve blamed them (Sorry nursing!). Maybe, it’s just a product of my over-thinking about things that I need not worry about in the first place. Maybe, but not really.

It’s the kind where you just find yourself crying, searching through your contact list for someone to call and not finding anyone to your liking, crying some more, refusing to answer your parents’ calls, watching anime and indulging yourself with distractions until you become so sleepy and your eyes become so tired. You do that to sleep immediately and not give yourself time to think when you hit the bed because if you allow yourself that, you feel worse.

Anyway, there are just days and times and moments when I feel particularly blue. Tonight is one of those.

And just when I am prepared to take a peek on the brink, slip, and welcome the overflowing and slightly apathetic sadness, I am reminded of this Freshly Pressed post.

Though sadness and depression are two different beasts, there’s no saying that those who have only experienced the former are suffering any less. Sadness is like pain. It’s highly subjective. And just like what we were taught in nursing, it is whatever the patient tells it is…

***

I actually wrote *cringes* the one above during my so-called dark days months. By the time I reached the fifth paragraph tho, I couldn’t bring myself to continue. Hence, this post has rotten on my Drafts folder for more than a year. I was sure that the sadness, just like what it always did without fail in the past, will strike again when all my guards are down (it’s never really gone, just lurking on the sides waiting for the right moment to attack). I figured I’d just finish and post it when that time comes.

But it hasn’t.

Of course there still are times when I feel a bit under the weather. I still cry. I still dumb myself with distractions. I still feel miserable. But they’re not as overpowering and scary as before so I don’t consider them on the same level. Even if I can still make out the hazy image of gripping melancholy that sucks the life out of you, I just smile at my old self now.

What changed? Well, for starters I was saved. Then I was healed, forgiven, comforted and a lot of other things. I realized that more than my contact list, friends, this blog and my other no-holds-barred blog, even more than my parents, there’s a better place I can always run back to.

You might say, yeah right. I already saw that coming. Another convert who is playing religion. I wonder how long she will last? It’s just a season. Blah blah blah. Can’t blame you, I was that way before. I thought people who say Jesus is “everything” literally and figuratively and can’t stop talking about Him are just hypocrites. Or some maybe curious or in the honeymoon stage of the belief they profess but all of them are laughable and corny. They’ll eventually outgrow it, become bored and move on to more legit things to combat sadness that this world offers. Medications and therapies, perhaps? Been there.

You can actually say that I’m in the getting-to-know-You stage with our God. It’s been pretty tough primarily because I’m hard headed and this world is so pleasing to the senses. But between where I used to be and where I currently am, I like myself better now. I don’t want to go back.

Whenever I feel blue, I remind myself of the TRUTH that God is bigger than the universe and that he cares about me (even the hairs on my head are numbered oha oha!). He’s so great our problems are but a spit compared to the ocean that is His love. God’s omnipresence is not always equal to our feelings. He is always there, whether we feel Him or not. In C.S. Lewis’ words, “Faith… is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods”.

That reality is what gets me through. No fail.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

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