on age being just a number

I’ve never been more conscious of my age than I am now. That’s what happens when you’re surrounded by 17 year-olds who are amazed and who insist on teasing and calling you ate. Dear classmates, don’t be awed by my age. I tell you, I’m just as clueless as you all are.

I’d be lying if I say that it’s not bothering me one bit. Because  it does. One moment I’m sincerely laughing at the jokes inside  the classroom and the next thing I know I’m questioning my decision and staining my happiness with thoughts of “I’d be old and nobody would hire me after I graduate”.

It kinda sucks to live in a society where you’re expected to grow into adulthood with all its responsibilities as fast and as flawless as possible. Where you’re supposed to have accomplished this when you’ve reached a certain age. Where people are genuinely astonished to hear that your loving parents still support you a hundred percent on your endeavor to get a second degree which then makes you doubt and feel bad about yourself for being such a dependent prick who loves being a student so much you’re still not working your ass off at 21.

Yesterday I saw Josh Radnor’s film, Liberal Arts. It’s the story of a 35 year-old college admissions officer in a New York University Jesse who, while visiting his old campus, fell for  a 19 year-old college sophomore Zibby. A scene where he ponders their 16-year age difference by writing “When I was-she was” and “When I will-she will” got me because of the simplicity and truth behind it. When Jesse was 19 and Zibby was 3, the difference was staggering but if he will reach 87 and she, 71, their age gap doesn’t sound so bad. Why am I saying this? It’s a secret. haha.

When I was younger I have planned of grand goals when I reach milestones — earn first paycheck at 18, support myself financially by 21, move out by 25, make my first million by 28, etc. Looking back, I can only laugh at my silliness. The 16 year old me would be very disappointed with her somewhat under-achieving 21 year old alter ego. But I’m tired of beating myself over and over for the things I did not become.

Don’t really know what I’m trying to achieve with this post. I guess I just want to give myself a pat on the back and tell her it’s okay. I just want her to be as optimistic today and tomorrow as she was during the first day of classes. That despite the world saying otherwise, age is really just a number. We’re not after any deadline and we don’t have to rush. That though there are certain circumstances when we need to conform our actions with our age, there are times when we don’t.

Fun fact (okay, not really fun): I’m only 11 years old on Mars and a little more than a month old on Pluto. ktnxbye.

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