This is a phrase I read from one of the random blogs I frequent back in 2009. I don’t remember who the author was or what the post is about but this line stuck like superglue. And I think it is at this time that the three words are most relevant.
A friend once said that she envies me because even though I am not very loud and extrovert, I have a lot of friends from different circles. Different personalities, different beliefs, people so different I know inviting them all to gather in one place is like wreaking havoc aside from awkwardness.
Another person claims that I am one of the nicest friends one can have. I know how to listen. I know how to comfort. I know how to accept. I know how to please. I know how to be sensitive. I know how to not judge. Modesty aside, I sometimes find it weird that people open up things to me, things they never even tell their best friends, or boyfriends or whoever. Maybe because I forget details easily, maybe because I know how to say the right words, maybe because they just feel that weird affinity towards the chubby friend. Anyway, what she said warmed my heart, one of the best compliments I have ever received. But compliments won’t help me when I’m down and compliments won’t let me through a bad day.
You see, people running to you when they have problems is nice, listening to their stories no matter how redundant, rubbing their back, giving them warm hugs, and doing other good things expected from a good friend. But it’s a different story when they ONLY remember you when they’re down. It is a different story when you are surprised to receive a message from a friend asking where you are, thinking that she missed you, only to realize she just needs company and your comforting powers because she is not in speaking terms with her priority.
Sometimes, I believe people forget that I also have problems. That I also need comfort. That I also get tired of being strong for other people. That I also want to talk and be listened to. Sadly though, my “friend list” significantly shortens to only a handful when the blue comes. No, it’s not that they are ungrateful pricks, I just can’t seem to open up my problems to people when I know I am supposed to be stronger than them. I can not whine about my petty dilemmas when I know a friend is facing a much bigger one. I guess I’m a martyr like that, thanks to all the things I know about them. Margaret Atwood once said, “Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened”.
I like to believe that a relationship is like holding one end of a string while the other person has the other end. The more relationship you have (all kinds), the more strings you hold.
And so, I want to filter my life because I can only accommodate so much. Because I can only hold so many strings and I don’t want to let go not only of those who really matter to me, but those to whom I matter as well.
Although I believe that we can’t force our romantic love to be reciprocated, friendships are a different story. Abi’s mom once told me that friends are supposed to be used and abused (she means it in a nice way). And there comes a time in one’s life when you just get tired of seeking the approval of others, even the ones you value. And so, enough with the compromises Rani. Why offer yourself to people who not only fails to invite you on special occasions but conspires with others to not let you know? Why stick with people who only remembers you when they’re single? Why treat people more specially than how they treat you?
Before knowing God, I valued quantity over quality because we are taught that we need many things, that we need many people. Now, I am appreciating the idea of “quality over quantity” very much. It’s simpler and more fulfilling. Pastor Nixon once said in his talk that in growing with God, you grow apart with many people.
I am a very sentimental being. Sometimes, I think that the only reason why I stick with others are the good memories we shared in the past. Well, memories stay the same even if the people don’t so we should not survive or let them cage us. There are billions of earthlings to meet. I better get out of my comfort zone.
Let go and let God. We are always able to move on, no matter how hard and no matter how long. Besides, those who really matter will stick around. :]