50 reasons why I will not read 50 Shades Darker and Freed

When I searched Google for “50 shades” with the thought of reading about the different reactions of people about the book, I was amazed by the number of posts dedicated to hating it composed by authors who haven’t even finished the first part in the trilogy. The inner conformist in me wanted to join the bandwagon and write my very own version of the “50 reasons” trend. Unfortunately, I have already read the first book and 100 pages into it (not really sure but it’s the part where Ana sees the Red Room of Pain), I promised myself I’m not reading the sequels. Hence, 50 reasons why I will not read 50 Shades Darker and Freed. However, there are only 25 items on this list. In defense, there are two more books in the series and a reason is applicable to both. 25 reasons X 2 books = 50! (that was a lame excuse, I really just can’t think of anything new to write because much has been said).

1. I’ve wasted enough moments reading 50 Shades of Grey.

2. I had a hard time tolerating the rants of Anastasia Steele in one book I’m afraid two more would be torture.

3. I will surely read about Ms. Steele’s subconscious and inner goddess again.

4. And I doubt it if the context in using “subconscious” will change.

5. Her inner goddess might do something weirder than hide in a sofa or jump for joy.

6. I don’t need two more books to tell me that Christian Grey is the most beautiful man in the universe, so powerful, so great and all that.

7. Sherlock and Dr. Watson are waiting for me. A canon of S.H. two to three pages long thrilled me more than the whole book did so I’d rather read 10 canons than Darker and Freed. Or read FMLs like this one. 50 words and still better than 50 Shades.

8. Plausibility can be excused if you are so convinced with the words you believe fiction more than your logic. I can’t see how Darker and Freed can be more implausible.

9. I don’t need to know the details about Christian Grey’s demented childhood (which I’m sure will be tackled in one of the sequels). The book “A Child called “It” ‘ was enough and it was non-fiction.

10. The book was supposed to be about BDSM but they had more vanilla sex and more will come in the sequels. If I wanted to read about normal coitus I would have gone to pantasya.com.

11. I don’t want to read about helicopter rides and other forms of private transportation anymore because it makes me think of the amount of carbon wastes left behind. How can they be so insensitive about Global Warming?

12. Double word analogy: dazzle is to Twilight, beguile is to 50 Shades.

13. If I continue the journey, I might come upon a passage where they talk about wanting to read each other’s thoughts. Seriously? If everyone can read everyone else’s mind the world would burn and Joker would be happy.

14. An example of #2: please stop whining about your post-coital/just-fucked hair. Shave your head if it’s such an issue.

15. Maybe I’m just an envious bitch. No, I’m not. I’d rather grow old alone than be someone’s possession.

16. The sequels were longer so I’m guessing there’s more talk or should I say e-mail (who still uses e-mail for conversations when there are chatrooms anyway?) and less action.

17. Ana calls Christian’s cougar friend “Mrs. Robinson”. I figured it was based on the older woman who seduced Benjamin in The Graduate. Ergo, my time would be better spent re-watching the film than reading the sequels.

18. Occasionally dropping words and phrases to remind me that Ana was a literature graduate instead of a sheltered NBSB didn’t work in Grey. I’m convinced it would work in neither Darker nor Freed.

19. I read that the series had a happy ending. Unless psychoanalysis and hypnosis were involved I’m not gonna bulge.

20. Because really, a fairy tale ending can only be achieved either by Ana being a submissive or Christian forgetting his toys, unless the latter was in an accident and he woke up with an amnesia. Which, I think, is still a better story (though cliched) than Grey changing his ways because of lurve (even more cliche bordering impossible).

21. The idea of a movie starring Ryan Reynolds is much more appealing (especially with the beard!). Or Ryan Gosling.

22. If I read the following adjectives again I might lose my faith in the written word: Christian’s “long” fingers, the “unbelievably sexy way” his pants hang off his hips, how “beautiful” he is, Ana’s “flawless skin”, the words “fuck” and “hard” together, etc.

23. The first installment was cruelly long I just finished it because I promised myself to stop half-reading books. I have this inkling the subsequent ones wouldn’t be any less cruel.

24. I know “laters, baby” will be mentioned again and I don’t want to giggle like a girl upon reading the phrase. Seriously, there’s something about that that tickles me. I find it really cute.

25. In the last page of 50 Shades of Grey, Anastasia walked out on Christian after he slapped her hard (or was it her wbo slapped him hard? Can’t remember). Which was the best decision she made (I meant the walking out). And I don’t want that scene to be tarnished. For me, AnaTian or ChrisTasia does not exist. They did not end up together and that’s really the happy ending.

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